Day 3 but who's counting?

Over the past eight years I randomly decide that I want to "get in shape". Over the past eight years I consistently get in worse shape.

It's all Basic Training's fault. Yes, I'm great at shifting the blame! When I joined the military I was pretty much set on a profile for my weight, I had to weigh less than 159 lb (for my height of 5'8"). Growing up as a child, I always felt HUGE. Largely (te he he) because I was the tallest girl in my class for awhile. Minersville boys seem to be little shorties, even to this day. Perhaps its something in the water that stunts their growth? I got teased a lot in elementary school, mercilessly it felt like. This fed into my reading habit, life was so much better on the pages of my book that it ever was "in real life".

((Ok, so as I read this, I realize that I can't entirely blame the military, but it is where I was truly introduced to the lifestyle of "you must diet! you are too fat!"))

Back to Basic Training, also known as the most horrifying 6 weeks of my life. I've had worse days, but those weeks live on in my psyche in infamy. Imagine if you will, my drill instructor. Now this guy is a spitting image of (hold on while I IMDB him, because I can't for the life of me remember his name) ... Ed Harris, although with slightly more hair. Yes, he was hot. And intense. And I really really didn't want to get his attention, ever. I wanted to be the invisible little mouse hiding in the back of the room. Somehow I could not manage this, as everything I did seemed to draw his attention. My nickname was "Goofy". Mostly (I'm assuming) because I can not walk in a straight line, let alone march in a straight one on the right foot. And I have this annoying habit of laughing. A lot. I laugh when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm stressed out. It is a coping behavior, but also I tend to have a weird sense of humor and just find things funny, regardless of the situation.

MTI Harris as we'll call him, sized me up the first day and I fell into the "fat farm category" even though I was under the official limit when I joined boot camp. I got sent to these fun little meetings (yes, I am being sarcastic) where we were lectured on eating properly, told to stop being fatties. Eventually a few weeks into the routine, I happened to be one of the last people to leave the room and the 'instructor' asked me how much I weighed, at this point I had no idea but my BDU's were not fitting snuggly. I mentioned how I was 155 when I joined and she turned to MTI Harris and said "Well why is she in this class then?!" and he shrugged and said "well she looked like she needed it". Great. Just friggin great! And thus began my negative body image problems. I had tip-toed around it growing up, but this is the first time it was blatantly shoved in my face. Never having dieted in my 21 years up to this point, now I felt like a circus freak with my MTI pointing at me calling me Fatty McFatterson.

In tech school I got down to about 145 lbs, which put me in a size 4. I really liked that I could fit into a size 4, let me tell you. That lasted until I started dating Jeff. I like to eat, he likes to eat. I was a size 8 when got married, and then oh boy was it down hill from there.

I had tried dieting. Yeah, you name the diet, and I probably tried it. When I found out that I was pregnant in 2005, to my utter shock and dismay, I weighed in at 194 lbs at the doctor's office. Surely, that couldn't be right!? Long story short, I ended up with Gestational Diabetes, and a vow that once I was done being pregnant I was going to work my patootie off and be in the "best shape of my life damnit!"

Fast forward 4 years. My weight has fluctuated, I've been up, I've been down... and now ... TA-DAAAAH! Weighed myself on March 22 (the day before Zoe's 4th birthday) and I weighed 200 lbs. I broke the barrier. I am officially (other than my pregnancy when I totally blocked out whatever they said my weight was) now the heaviest than I have ever been. And I'm miserable about it. I have been miserable about it for almost a YEAR now, when my boyfriend mentioned that I had gained weight since he met me. Sure, I've had a tough go of it, with the divorce and all that came before it. I'm an emotional eater. Wish that I could be like my mom and lose weight when she's stressed. I'd be looking like a supermodel bobble-head if that were the case.!

On November 24, I realized that I was only six months until I hit the dirty-thirty club. Last year on my birthday I had vowed to be in the best shape of my life by the time that rolled around. 6 months to show time, and surprise!! I keep on keeping on, eating all my comfort foods, feeling completely awkward in my own skin. Nov 24 is also the last day I blogged on this particular blog. The day that I found out that my grandfather, and truly my only father-figure in my life had passed away. Downward spiral to this, 200 lbs.

I have 2 weddings to attend, my 30th birthday to greet, and oh about 50 pounds to lose. I've tried and failed in the past. This time its all about Failing until I succeed.

Started Pilates Beach Body Boot Camp last Tuesday, tonight is my second class. I've been keeping track of what I've been eating, and it hasn't been pretty. I've got the section where I plan what I'm going to eat for the day, and then what I actually eat. Needs some work, but this time around I'm just brushing myself off and trying again the next day.

Speaking of Pilates, my class is in about 20 minutes so I gotta rush on out of here. Later!

Narcissitic much?

So here's the thing. I like blogging but I hold myself back. Somewhere along the way I inherited an inner critic that says "Uh, do you really want to say that? Dumb, dumb dumb!!" Now don't get me wrong, having an inner filter is an important part of growing up. Not blabbing everything thought that flitters through your brain can be a good thing. Nobody really wants to know that the taco you had for dinner gave you the runs. Seriously.

Somehow this inner guy freaks out whenever I try to blog. Survival tactic I suppose. I have put this blog on private, maybe someday I will let it out of the closet. But for now I will try not to censor myself too much, because I need an outlet.

***

Today I got an email from the president of the RSO academy that I went to last week. He (or somebody from his office) had found my Geiger Girl blog on the internet and wanted to thank me for putting a good word out there about his company.

Lucky for me, there was nobody sitting in my office because I turned an uncomfortable shade of red. Immediately I rushed to my blog, to read what I had written.

Phew!! Nothing too embarrassing. Thank goodness I was short on time and didn't write how I thought the instructor was a cute for an old guy, and that I liked his dry sense of humor.

What's the big deal anyway? Other than once I've written something it's out there. For Better or Worse. Almost like marriage, eh? But you can never truly get rid of it? How does anybody write when that's what is constantly in the back of my head?

Anywho...

The reason why I'm back on this blog, and on private. I want to document (encourage!) my trek to getting my life and body back on track. I feel like I'm being a narcissist though, as if anybody would want to read this. Critic, schmitic. So I'm doing this for me. It'll may end up being dull, but I'm going for it anyway!

And if I can ever figure out how to blog via crackberry I may even blog more than I expect. So this is me, being me. Scary thought, eh!?

Sadly, yes.

Go for it MJ, you can dooooo eeet!

Things of Eight

Things of Eight

I was tagged by Jalee!

Shows I like to watch- (if I had television, so these are shows I used to watch)

1. Heroes*
2. Grey's Anatomy*
3. Ninja Warrior!
4. The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
5. Lost
6. True Blood*
7. South Park
8. Friends

*I watch these on DVD when the season is over, I haven't watched True Blood yet, but as its based off one of my favorite series ever by Charlaine Harris I'm sure I'll love it, or really hate it. Can't wait either way!

Eight things that happened yesterday-

1. Slept in. Well, I tried really hard to sleep in, I made Zoe cuddle with me so I wouldn't have to get out of bed just yet.
2. Went to Freddy's and bought a present for Malachi's 4th birthday (Teenage Ninja Mutant turtles)
3. Went to Malachi's b-day party. We showed up at his house and nobody was there. It was awesome!
4. Ate Ice cream birthday cake, also awesome!
5. Went for a nice Sunday drive as we were waiting for our Pizza to be ready from Papa Murphy's
6. Did the dishes while pizza was cooking
7. Watched Jump-In with Mark and the Girls. Watched Zoe dance, that girl has got rhythm! And she can do the donkey kick. She definitely learned all those moves from me :)
8. Watched Raising Genius with Mark, it was um... annoying!

Favorite places to eat-

1. Home, if Mark is doing the cooking!
2. Joe's subs in California, dang I miss them!
3. Ultimate Thai, they have the best yellow curry
4. Olive Garden. Haven't eaten there in 2 years. Alaska needs to get in gear already!
5. Simon and Seafort's,
6. Creekside Cafe
7. Applebee's
8. Asia Garden, they have the best Sesame Chicken.

Eight things I'm looking forward to-
1. Thanksgiving
2. Joe's wedding next fall
3. Meeting Blair's sweetie, and Joe's fiance. Hopefully before the wedding!
4. Finishing my first quilt.
5. Starting school in January
6. Maybe, just maybe...getting engaged someday. Although probably not anytime in the near future. :)
7. Christmas!
8. Learning to skate ski

Eight things on my wish list-
1. Animals that did not shed. Or that would vacuum up after themselves!
2. A clean house!
3. A day without Zoe whining.
4. Learning to cook well
5. That UAA would accept my credits from the military. Then I wouldn't have to take physics, chemisty, math, ... the list goes on and on!
6. To be arthritis free. Yeah yeah, keep wishing.
7. Happy family
8. Kids content with 4 Christmas presents (again yeah, right!!)

8 people I tag-
Uh... I don't know 8 people to tag! But thanks Jalee for tagging me so I could play along :)

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.

It has been brought to my attention that if my blog was a plant, it would have been shriveled up to a few dried up leaves without a hope of resurrection.

Which is generally how all my plants end up sooner rather than later. But here I am, jumping back into blogsville!

Mainly, I feel like I have too much to say. I have a tough time self-regulating what I'm typing. Before I know it, I've spilled my darkest secrets out into the vast wasteland that is the internet. When will it come back to bite me in the tush and embarrass me? Ah, just keeps life interesting right?! I do regret that many of my past blogs (as emotionally painful as they were to write became cathartic in the process, and I'm saddened to know they've been deleted by none other than myself). Now I'm keeping a journal, and maybe my blogs can be more upbeat. :)

***
Life is good!

One more time... life is really good! I'm really enjoying the process of blending our two families into one (mostly) cohesive unit. I love to sit back and just observe our kids interacting with each other.

It's always a riot.

I used to worry about Zoe not having siblings to call her own, now I am grateful that she's been lucky enough to have these girls to watch out for her and keep her in line... as much as anybody can with a willful 3.5 year old! We're definitely working on the concept of sharing.

Halloween came and went so quickly this year. Us girlies did lots of projects, like decorating a gingerbread haunted house, crafted a foamie haunted house and castle, baked and decorated sugar cookies and chocolate pumpkin cupcakes. Oh my! When Halloween finally arrived I was glad to have it over and done with. I wore red glittery devil horns to work, that was fun. Wish I had thought to get a picture, but I only think of taking pictures of the kiddos.

This picture just doesn't do justice to M's costume, he went as a werewolf. It was so fun to see him ambling around staying in his wolfy character. Was a great touch to wear vampire teeth on his lower teeth. Zoe went as "toddler in snowsuit" for most of the houses while I wore her butterfly wings for the most part.


I will have to upload Skye & Emerald's Halloween pictures when I get home. Skye and her two best buds went as Banshee's, and Em and her bestest went as Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Dr Seuss. They worked very hard on their costumes and they looked amazing!

More blogs to come, I know my 2 readers are gonna be so excited!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

So like .... whoa!

Big decisions all around, I turned in my 30 days notice for my apartment today and they advised me the sooner I move out the better, so I'm out by July 1st.

Which means that I'm moving in with my Pukerbaby and his kiddos. We found a house, just waiting on the approval (he has a dog, and I have a cat which lives at Mark's place). Oh yeah, Mark's nickname is Puker. I'm really trying to teach myself to call him that because he doesn't like to be called Mark.

3 kids, a dog, a cat, and some rodent creature which I think is a gerbil?... so wierd to think this is the direction my life has taken! I like it though. One of my reservations about moving in with him before is that we're both still technically married. Mine will be kaput on the 19th (which is also the 4 year death anniversary of Mark's son Tidal Zane) and his is scheduled for July 16th. Fun times all around.

Am I moving too fast? Feels right, but only time can tell. And I sure do love to jump into major decisions without thinking things through. Ah, a day in the life of....

Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell

Next Thursday is the big day. The day our "I do's" officially turn to "I don't!!!"

I have to work, so I'm going to the courthouse on my lunch break.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't entirely freaked out by this turn of events. No sense dwelling on how we could have changed things, if we had seen this turn in the road. I'm happier. I'm sadder. I'm so much more now, than I ever was when we were together. It's a rollercoaster, but it's mine.